What Is Domestic Violence

Domestic violence is not a disagreement, an anger management issue, or a normal part of an intimate relationship. It is a systematic pattern of abusive behavior with intent to gain and maintain power and control over another person. This includes dating, partner, spousal, and elder abuse, as well as abuse between present or former household members. Domestic violence can happen to anyone, regardless of their race, religion, age, socio-economic background, level of education, or sexual orientation. Domestic violence is a crime.

Types of Abuse

Abuse is any behavior used to control or intimidate another person and can be verbal, emotional, physical, or sexual in nature.
Emotional/Psychological Abuse: Name-calling, put-downs, threats, stalking, intimidation, degradation, tracking time, isolating victim from family or friends, forbidding victim to work or participate in outside activities, sleep deprivation, interrogation, accusing, using money to control, threatening to "out" a gay or lesbian partner, harming pets, destroying property, throwing objects near victim.
Physical Abuse: Pushing, shoving, slapping, kicking, punching, biting, restraint, hair pulling, strangulation, pinching, burning, grabbing, shaking, scratching, spitting, using weapons, throwing objects at victim.
Sexual Abuse: Any non-consensual sexual act or behavior, including forced sex, unwanted touching, sexual degradation, and violence targeted at the genital area.

The Cycle of Violence

"Cycle of Violence" refers to the pattern that domestic violence tends to follow. There are three distinct phases to the cycle: tension-building, acute explosion, and honeymoon.

The tension-building period is usually the longest period of the cycle, and is generally characterized by a high level of stress. For example, abusers may be moody, sullen, fault-finding and very critical. They might withdraw affection, belittle their partner, drink or abuse drugs, make threats, or even destroy their partner's personal property. Meanwhile, victims may attempt to keep their partner calm and placate them, become overly accommodating, agreeable, solicitous and nurturing. Victims may also become either silent or overly talkative, withdraw from and avoid family and friends, try to keep the kids quiet and "out of the way," or constantly feel as if they are "walking on eggshells."

The acute explosion is usually the briefest period of the cycle as well as the most severe. During an explosion, abusers might beat, rape, isolate, imprison or attack their partner with a weapon. They may become extremely verbally abusive or humiliate and publicly degrade their partner. Victims will often try to protect themselves any way they can, attempt to reason with or calm their abuser, call the police, fight back, or leave or attempt to leave. The honeymoon period might not exist in every abusive relationship, and is often shorter than the tension-building period. Abusers may apologize, cry and beg forgiveness, make declarations of love, promise to get help, send extravagant gifts, and promise it will never happen again. Victims often accept the apologies, believing that it will never happen again, and may even cancel legal proceedings or appointments with a counselor because the situation "seems to be better."

Violence in a relationship tends to escalate in frequency and severity over time without proper intervention. It typically begins with verbal and emotional abuse and is often not identified as violence. This can escalate to physical and/or sexual abuse which becomes increasingly more violent and potentially life-threatening. All forms of abuse should be recognized as violent and potentially dangerous.

There are many reasons why a person might stay in a violent relationship. Many victims of domestic violence do not want to end their relationships, they only want the violence to stop. As domestic violence does not typically start as physical violence, most victims will not recognize signs such as possessiveness and jealousy as signs of potential danger. In fact, due to media messages and cultural norms, many victims find these "warning signs" flattering and might even view them as signs of true romantic love. Many victims are hopeful that their partners will change and that their relationship will be as it was when they first met. Many victims either still love their partner, are afraid to leave, or feel trapped in their circumstances.
So why can't a victim often just leave a violent relationship?
Fear. Many victims have a higher risk of violence when they attempt to leave their relationship, because their abuser realizes that their power and control has been threatened. Many abusive partners will stalk, continue to threaten, intimidate, attempt to manipulate, and/or be physically or sexually abusive after their partners have left. These threats may also be made to the victim's children, other family members, friends, or co-workers. Abusers might even threaten to hurt or kill themselves.
Finances. Many victims are financially dependent on their batterers. The victim may be unemployed, without job skills, unable to legally work in the United States due to immigration status, not fluent in English, unable to provide basic necessities for themselves or their children, or humiliated at the thought of having to go on welfare or make a drastic change to her and their current standard of living.
Children. Although many victims do leave if and when they feel their children are directly threatened, others may choose to stay because of issues surrounding children. Victims may want to keep their family intact, not want to deny her children a father/mother figure, or not want to uproot them from their current school, neighborhood, or other support systems. The abusive partner may have threatened to turn the children against the victim, abduct them, report the victim to DYFS(Division of Youth and Family Services), physically harm the children, or even kill them if the victim leaves.

If one or more of these items is true for you, you may be involved in an abusive, dangerous relationship. You are not alone-help is available. To speak to someone confidentially, call one of these:
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
New Jersey Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-572-7233
Bergen County, New Jersey, Domestic Violence Hotline: (201) 336-7575

What Is Domestic Violence?